


Hold on

by Limra



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Beta Wanted, Fluff and Smut, Kylo Ren Redemption, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-07-18 02:08:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7295239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limra/pseuds/Limra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo tries to find his place in the galaxy. And Rey has some decisions to make. And when Rey makes a decision she doesn't give up. She keeps holding on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "That kind of loving..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey talk and do other things. She's worried about their jedi paths and he's worried about kissing her again.

She felt warm and dizzy with his body next to hers. The long kiss took all her breath away. Rey leaned her head back trying to find some air, but Ben pressed his hand behind her neck bringing her soft lips back his. His other hand laced her waist in a possessive way, her body tensed for a moment, but Ben’s tongue dancing with hers made her relax again. She knew this was not right. She knew they should stop, but, after everything they have been through, she felt this was the best thing that ever happened in her life.

  
Kylo Ren had been accessary with multiples genocides. He had tortured and killed people. In addition, he had killed his own father. However, after Han Solo’s death, something broke the promise the young and naïf Ben Solo had once made to the Dark Side. His master had promised that the entire struggle would be ended when Kylo had the courage to break with the connection that knotted him to his family. Well, Snoke apparently had misunderstood the big deal of Ben’s torment. Finishing Han’s life didn’t end Ben’s connection with the light because he still loved his father. He still loved his family. He felt weak. He felt pain. And he felt love. He felt how strongly his father loved him even in his last minute when he had forgiven his beloved son. Then, when he understood, Ben felt guilty. Regret.

  
Six months after Han’s death, Kylo Ren started talking to Rey through a sort of bond forged when they were in Starkiller. The mind invasion of both minds had tied them mentally. At first, he tried reaching her in her dreams. She was able to feel the angst, the dark emotions. She was afraid of how frightened he was. She had asked Master Luke to teach her a way to block him, but deep in her heart, Rey felt guilty for it. She could feel his pain. So, one night was prerogative to make her accept their bond. Kylo was crying for help. He was calling for his father just like the young Ben Solo had done once. Finally, Rey answered him.

  
Rey and Luke had made up a plan to rescue Ben from Snoke. He had passed some information to them through the Force Bond and they were able to attack the Finalizer fleet with a great help from the Resistance, who was quite happy for helping them to defeat the First Order command central. Ben had his loyalty tested for the last time. Snoke was personally on board, but their mission was to rescue Ben Solo alive. When Rey entered the Supreme Leader chamber sensing Kylo’s presence, she was not ready for what she saw. Ben had his lightsaber ignited and was ready to brand it against her. She put her hand on her saber hilt, but did not have time to ignite it when Kylo spun and drove his saber through his master body. He had done it. He was finally free.

  
Now, after four months of his return to the light, Ben is training with an amazing progress and Rey has to deal with a feeling that is very new for her: love. She hated him, she pitied him, she felt attracted to him, and she loved him. That is the reason why she is hiding in a cave on Ach-To, kissing him and gasping his name while he touches the bare skin of her flat belly under her tunic. She finally frees herself for the possessive hug. “Easy, Ben. You know that we can’t…”she trailed off.

  
“I know. But it’s not fair. Not when you finally correspond to my feelings.” He interrupted her and reluctantly lowered his arms. He turned his back to avoid looking at her and Rey smirked with his childish temper.

  
“Well, I don’t mean I don’t want it, Ben. But jedi are not allowed to get engaged in relationships. It could lead us to a possessive relationship and…”

  
“Lead us to the dark side, like with Anakin Skywalker.” He sighed turning back to meet her hazel eyes, and completed in a sad tone, “I’ve been there and I don’t want to go back. But I don’t belong with the light either. You know the Resistance will never forgive me after everything I’ve done to them.”

  
Rey got next to him and reached for his left hand. “Don’t think like that. The Resistance has more information than ever with the data you’ve been passing to them since you’re back. They have to recognize that you cannot be judged as everyone else from the First Order. And your mother is doing everything she can to convince them about this. If you were able to convince me that you were repented, I’m sure the Resistance will be easier.”

  
Ben laughed at that. She had been tough with him in the beginning, not believing he could actually change. “You were my only hope.” He muttered pushing his body against hers again. “You’re so beautiful, powerful and smart. I just can’t help kissing you.” He brushed his lips on hers, whispering, “I love you, Rey.”

  
He felt her body falter allowing him to deepen the kiss. Rey moaned while his tongue started to dance with hers again. She put her arms around his neck and gave herself entirely to the feeling of peace that engulfed her mind for a long moment. It was all blank until the kiss became more demanding.

Ben tore his lips from hers to say urgently: “I want you, Rey. Not in a possessive way. I need you to be complete.”

  
Rey cursed herself when warm tears threatened to fall from her eyes. “I want you too, Ben. But I’m afraid of how it can damage our lives as jedi. We cannot disappoint your uncle. He counts on us to rebuild the order."

  
“So let’s give him a couple of younglings to teach.” He joked looking at her.

  
She smiled and nodded once. “You’re persistent today, Ben Solo.”

  
“I’m always persistent, but today you’re being especially difficult. Let me put this on other terms. I’ll blow up if we don’t make love today.”

  
Rey laughed pressing her body to his. “Ok, you made your point. Let’s stop talking and start this before I have to recollect your pieces."

  
Ben frowned tightening his fingers in her hips and whispering in her ear, “Well, you always leave me in pieces. So… yeah. Let’s get started.”

  
Rey whimpered as they retook the kiss in a gentle way at first, but Ben had already begun to work on her belt. He was getting used to do it. She remembered the beginning when he was so nervous and couldn’t deal with his own clothes. Once the belt fell down, he took out her long scarf dropping it on the floor, and enlaced her once more, deepening their kiss. Rey reached for the hem of his shirt, his tunic was on the floor since they arrived. Once he was free of his shirt, she touched his brawny chest with her fingertips, making lazy circles on his skin.

  
Ben stopped kissing her mouth and went down to her neck and trailed up, sucking and nipping her ear, making Rey warm and wet between her legs. Her breath faulted when he back to her lips and took out her shirt and finally her legs. He moaned loud inside her mouth when Rey reached for his waistband freeing him from his trousers. In response, he trailed down his body with wet kisses until he reached for her breast. He sucked and licked her already erect nipples making her gasp and arch her back. She sighed saying, “Ben, I think we should lay down.”

  
He murmured in a mocking tone, “Yeah. I’m exhausted of doing it against a wall too. Let’s make it last for once at least.” He stretched his cloak and hers on the stone floor of the cave and laid in his back on the improvised bed. Rey scanned his body and felt a surge of desire turning her on. He beckoned at her, speaking in a low voice, “I’m waiting for you”.

Rey smiled and laid down beside him. He rolled over her and her eyes met her lover’s ones. She contemplated the flash of desire, admiration and love emanating from his gaze.

  
“I love you, Ben Solo. Not even the Jedi Order can tell the opposite. Don’t forget this.” She said mesmerized at his eyes.

  
“I won’t.” He promised and bent down to kiss her and take their underwear out.

When Rey felt his hard member between her legs, she grunted and felt his body tensioning. Ben always asked silently if he could go forward, since her sexual experience was resumed to their four months relationship. She nodded once, “Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”

 

Ben smiled to her, staring with his hunger eyes, and he tightened their embrace. Rey could feel his weight as he moved slowly inside and out of her body. She started moving her hips to meet his movements and Ben let out a moan of pleasure. It felt tight and warm, and wet when he whispered in her ear, “I’m so glad I can feel and touch you like this, Rey.”

Surprising Rey, he angled himself in that sweet spot inside her and hardened his thrusts. She widened her eyes and started painting wantonly feeling the wave of pleasure increasing. Generally, she would angle herself to find that spot, but now he knew the way alone. She was lost in thought, realizing how well Ben Solo knew her body after only four months.

  
“Yes, Ben. Just like this. Oh. Please.” She was whimpering and pleading with her hands entangled in his black hair.  
She felt tears rolling out of her eyes and her ears went hot as her body reached its climax. One. “Oh. Shit.” Two. “Force”. Three. “Ben”, she breathed out. Her body became relaxed and she opened her eyes meeting his. “I love you.” Ben didn’t need any other kind of incitement. He moved inside her in some erratic movements finding his own release. He came inside her and Rey could see his cheeks blushing dark as his mouth felt ajar. He sank back to her, touching her forehead with his.

  
“I love you, jedi girl.” Then, he kissed her to prove it once more.

* * *

  
They got back to the hut to find out that Luke hadn’t returned from his meditation time. Rey was concerned about the latest news they’ve received from the Resistance base in Yavin 4. Leia had told Luke that an important reunion was requiring the presence of the jedi master and his two apprentices. She had said it was decisive to Ben’s future and to the Resistance’s as well. They knew that there would be a trial to decide about Kylo Ren’s destiny. She couldn’t help but worry about him. Her boyfriend became more important than she wished. At the beginning she thought it was only attraction and that her path as a jedi was of paramount importance. But now…she would do anything to make him free from his own ghosts.

Ben frowned and opened a beautiful smile as he read her thoughts. “You know… you should stop thinking about it. It always flatters me when you admit to yourself that I’m more important than your jedi path. This is not good to me either. It can lead to vanity, and vanity leads to…”He changed his voice for a mocking dark one, trying to reproduce his masked voice “…the dark side.”

Rey tried not to laugh. She knew he was as nervous as she was, but she chuckled a little and expressed another thought to him. “ And you should stop talking. I’m hungry after all the exercise.”

 

He narrowed his eyes, pretending being offended. “Are you calling our passionate ecstasy ‘exercise” now? This is not even fair to describe it.”

  
“I was talking about our walk back here.” She answered rolling her eyes. “Come on. Let’s cook.”

  
When dinner was ready, Master Luke had returned. He looked tired when he raised his eyes to Ben who was passing him a cereal bowl. “Are you ok, uncle?” Ben asked with a hint of concern.

  
“I’m worried about the Resistance blindness toward you. I’m afraid your sentence will not be as fair as your redemption.” The old master said frowning.

  
Rey felt her stomach revolting as a painful queasiness took her hunger away. “Do you think they can execute him? “She asked sitting in front of her master.

  
“I don’t think it’ll go so far. But I want you to be prepared, Ben, to be tested once again.”

  
Ben raised his left eyebrow. “Tested? You mean they can take my freedom, put me in prison for the rest of my life?”

  
“Maybe. Be prepared to lose something important to you. That’s their game. Punishment is always worse when we care for our things.” Luke asserted in a seriously tone.

  
Ben inhaled deeply and let out a heavy sight. “I killed my own father. I deserve whatever they prepared to me.”

  
Luke looked concerned to his nephew. “No, Ben. Your father said he would do anything to have you back. Including dying. If you had to kill him to understand how deep you loved us, it’s not fair with Han’s sacrifice to put you in jail and take you from our lives. You have to understand that all the help you gave to us wasn’t to balance what you did in the past. You did it because you came  back to us. You helped us ending the war because you belong with us.”

  
Rey was crying again and her heart skip a beat. She touched Ben’s shoulder. “You’ll always belong with us.”

* * *

  
They left to Coruscant three days after that night. Ben and Rey could barely talk to each other due to the stress. Inside the Falcon, it was difficult to hide from Luke’s presence and they had to wait until he felt asleep to kiss each other in the cockpit. After a long moment, Rey interrupted their passionate kiss. “Do you think they can banish you, like an exile? If they do it, I’m going with you.” She looked at him and saw a sad smile in his face.

  
“Well, if they let me be a jedi even banished from the Republic system, I’ll be happy. But…if you come with me, you’ll be marked. I don’t want it, Rey. Nothing can hold you back. You’re such a brilliant warrior, pilot and person. You cannot be stopped for loving Kylo Ren. You’re so young…”

  
“Stop it.” He could see she was very angry about this conversation for the intensity of her gaze. “First of all, don’t say that I’m young and that I’ll have a great future as a jedi. I don’t even know how tomorrow is going to be. I’m not afraid about my future. Second, I decide for myself. You don’t get to say about me, Ben Solo. If I choose you, you’ll have to deal with it. Besides, I’ve never cared about people opinions about me. Since I was six I make my own decisions. Third, I love you. I loved you even when I didn’t understand it. You make me complete. Without you, I can’t be balanced. So…There’s not Jedi Rey without Ben Solo.”

  
Ben let the tears flood from his eyes and maintained his position. “I will feel awful if you’re not recognized as you deserve.”

  
“You don’t say what I deserve. I decide it. Learn that. The Jedi Order, you, your mother, your uncle, Finn, Poe, Chewie… don’t matter when I decide something.” She snorted sarcastically. “And now, I decided that you should kiss me.”

  
“What if I don’t want to? I decide for me too.” Ben said in a seriously voice.

  
“Then, I’ll have to steal it.” She said going on her tiptoes and enlacing her arms around his neck.

  
He remained serious. “I’m not convinced.”

  
She started kissing his neck and nipping his skin. When she kissed his earlobe, she whispered, “When I decide something I don’t give up on it. Never.”

  
It was enough. He grabbed her waist and started devouring her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is from Aerosmith's song Crazy.


	2. I'm yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive at Coruscant. Leia Organa appears and shows how she loves everyone. Rey has to fight against herself. And Ben...Let's say he didn't miss Threepio's sincerity.

Rey didn’t like hiding. She spent her entire life in Jakku hiding. She didn’t let anyone enter in her life. She hid to protect herself, to survive. But now, with all the friends she got, she doesn’t like hiding. She feels as she was betraying all the faith they put on her. She doesn’t like hiding from Leia and Luke her doubts about her jedi path. She doesn’t like hiding from Finn, Poe and Chewie that she loves Ben. And more than anything else, she hates hiding from Ben that she’s afraid about loving him. She loves him. No doubts about it. But when she lays her head on the pillow to sleep she can’t help the incertitude about her future with him. She let him in completely and now she’s frightened. She doesn’t know how he dig himself so deeply inside her. How can this feeling change everything she dared to plan as a padawan?

Before his return to the Light, she was sure about becoming a jedi master fully committed to the code. No attachments. Peace. She would be free from her nightmares. Jakku would be in the past. She thought it was impossible to exist a better moment than the peace she felt the very first time she meditated. Then she kissed Ben for the first time and her mind went blank. She felt more than peace, she felt balanced.

She was afraid of giving up on everything for him.

She was afraid of giving up on him for herself.

* * *

 

And then she was afraid of the lights in Coruscant. When they arrived there, Leia was waiting for them in the hangar. She hugged her brother and son warmly and stopped  to look at Rey.

“How gorgeous you are, Rey. Stronger every time we meet.” The apprentice gave the general a sincere smile before wrapping her arms around her. She had a family after all.

They followed Leia and Threepio, who insisted to be beside Rey to protect her from “an unexpected tantrum from Kylo _Ben_.” Ben snorted and started walking beside his uncle. Rey just laughed about the whole situation.

 

They arrived at the old Solo’s apartment. Leia used to stay there with her family, sometimes just her and Ben due to her political agenda. As they entered the room, Rey felt  a different energy. Something warm and calming through the Force. There was love in that home. She looked at Ben and he smiled back to her, happy for being home after so long.

“You can stay in my old room, Rey. I can sleep on the couch.” He said trying to be kind.

Leia frowned and gave him a strange look. “You can stay in your own room, Ben. We have two guest rooms here. Have you forgotten? This isn’nt our Naboo’s quarters.”

Ben seemed annoyed for some reason that Rey couldn’t decipher. “Yes.” He agreed. “I think I mixed them up.” Rey entered his mind and pressed her lips trying not to laugh. His bedroom was the most distant from his mother’s one. _Don’t worry. I can always come for you_ , she said through their bond.

* * *

 

When Ben was inside his bedroom, he felt uneasy. The walls were still blue and his table was in the same place. The bed however…his mother had changed. The wardrobe was the same with different clothes. He smiled while admiring his mother dedication. She knew that this bedroom carried some difficult memories to him. All those nightmares…The holobooks had changed too. This wasn’t his boy bedroom anymore. He heard someone knocking at the door and there she was. His mother.

“I made some changes. I hope you like it.”

“Yes. Thank you, _mom_.” It was good to call her by the old title. He thought he wouldn’t do it again.

“I chose some clothes. Nothing in orange, or green or beige. I know how you hate those colors.”

“I miss him.” He let out in a gasp. “I thought I was ending my pain and now I’ll never hear his voice again. He will never call me _kid_. I keep waiting for him to come through that door without knocking and interrupting my meditation sections to show me what he and Chewie had got me in the last travel. I…” he trailed off sitting in his bed and letting his mother hug him and rest her chin in his dark hair.

“He loved you, Ben. He would want you to be happy and free of your pain. I asked him to bring you home. And he was ready to do anything to bring you back to me. That you had to kill him to realize how important he was to you…I’m sorry. I know you think you cannot be free of it, but listen to me. Anakin Skywalker had to die for redemption. I asked your father to bring you alive to me. Time will teach you how to live with your pain. Learn with your own mistakes. Don’t repeat our history. Don’t let your pain eat you alive like it did with your grandfather.”

“I don’t know how you can still touch me.” He straightened their embrace.

“You killed, you betrayed, you tortured. But I’ve always wanted you back. Because all of it was our fault. Three adults who weren’t able to provide you an adequate guidance through life. Then _he_ seduced you. I lost you and you made your way back to me. After so long, Ben. I love you. Now, take a shower and let’s have dinner.” She left him alone.

But for the first time in that bedroom he didn’t feel abandoned to himself. He made his way to the refresher and found out that his toothpaste tasted tutti-frutti. Somethings would never change.

* * *

 

Rey was happy about everything prepared for her in the bedroom. All the sheets smelled like the sea and there was an aquarium on the table. She had already showered but she struggled with all the clothing that was already in the wardrobe when she opened it to organize her belongings. She took out a dress and touched it. It was very simple, made on some kind of silk in a very pale shade of pink. It was sleeveless and the neckline ended a little before underneath her breasts. There was a lace detail in the back. She admired it for a while and she put it on. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. It was perfect. Leia knew very well how to please her guests.

After a while, she felt odd inside the silk dress. It wasn’t _herself_. But…Who was she again? She wasn’t the scavenger anymore. She wasn’t a jedi. _Yet_. She thought about Ben and she remembered that she was a young girl. Twenty years old. He was twenty-nine. He used to see people well dressed. Rey knew nothing. She was insecure about their relationship in this big city. She put her hair in a low and loose ponytail putting her long curled hair above her right shoulder. She looked at the box on the table and opened. She started laughing when she took the lipstick, which had a little paper saying _Those are for your lips_. She took a tiny box with a kind of powder inside. _Those are for your eyes_. She was laughing at Leia’s care, but she knew make up. She couldn’t afford it when living in Jakku and she preferred to save her portions to eat. She choose her items and started working. She would surprise them in a very good way. After all, she could be an elegant woman too.

* * *

 

Ben was in the dinner room when someone touched his arm. It was his mother's friend, a counselor if he remembered well. His mother introduced them. “Ben, he’s Yurgen from Yavin – 4 and his daughter, Maliria. Do you remember them? You and Maliria used to play when you were kids.” “Yes, I do. How are you?” He asked shaking their hands.

“I’m happy, Ben. You’re back home. I remember you running and dropping everything in your way with your powers. I remember Maliria recollecting them all behind you.” Yurgen said smiling.

Ben laughed and looked properly at the girl…no. To the woman in front of him. They were just kids and now he couldn’t recognize her anymore. She had long red hair, a complete smile in her mouth, they were changing teeth and there was always one missing when they used to play together. But the eyes. He recognized the strong blue eyes and he smiled again to his childhood friend. “I hope you can control yourself now. I’m not in the mood to follow you with any flower jar threatening to fall on me.” She laughed.

“I can’t give any guarantees about this.” Leia started talking to Yurgen and Maliria turned to Ben to keep on with the conversation.

“I would like to talk to you, Ben. You know…now that you’re back. It’s been so long. I remember how friends we were before you left.” She looked at him with those bright blue eyes and touched his forearm.

Ben winced at the touch and answered. “Yes. We can talk. But I’m here for a very complicated reason, Maliria. I don’t know where I’ll be in a month. And I have my duties with the Jedi Order.” He was thinking of Rey. Where was she? He never felt so uneasy among those people.

“I know. But I hope they will decide for what’s best for you. I’m sure.” Maliria completed raising her hand to his shoulder. Ben put her hand down and scanned the room looking for his uncle or Rey. He wasn’t comfortable about that situation and something inside his mind was telling him to run from Maliria’s attention before Rey caught him.

“Ben.” Her voice came from behind him. He turned to look at her. “I…”He couldn’t say a word. She was gorgeous. He always thought of her as the most beautiful person alive. He assumed it was because he was in love. No. She was actually the most beautiful of them all. He wanted to kiss her in front of them all. His Corellian whine glass shattered into pieces in his hand.

Rey and Maliria looked worried, but the redheaded took his hand in hers saying, “I see you didn’t improve with your powers.”

Rey looked at their hands, at Ben eyes, that were still mesmerizing at her, and finally at Maliria. She felt her blood boiling and took Ben’s hand in hers. “No. He didn’t. That’s why he needs the jedi order to help him.” She left carrying Ben by his hand to the kitchen.

* * *

 

“Stop looking at me like that. You have a cut on your hand. Put some ice on it.” She told him.

He could feel her anger. “Why are you angry me? It’s your fault. I can’t care about anything else with you’re around dressed like this.”

“Oh. You’re so naïve. What was your hand doing on hers when I arrived there?”

“I took it out from my shoulder when she touched me.” Ben regretted that line as he finished it.

“Oh. _Oh. Great. She was touching you_.” Rey couldn’t help the wave of anger taking her for seeing him with another woman. She was touching him.

“Are you jealous?” he asked cautiously.

“What? Now you’re going to make a speech about how jealousy can take me to the Dark Side? You, Kylo Ren?” She asked narrowing her eyes and looking at him incredulously.

Ben hardened his face and crossed his arms against his chest. He looked away from her and said staring at the wall, “I was going to say that there’s no reason for that. That I love you and that Maliria was only being kind. But, _of course_. When you don’t want me to reprimand your actions, you always say that I have no authority to do it because of whom I am.”

She didn’t have an answer to that. Well, they’d never argued before. “I…”

“You can be the most beautiful and amazing person I’ve ever met, Rey, but I still have my pride. About your jealousy, yes. It can take you to the dark side. And Kylo Ren will not follow you. He’s dead.” He left the kitchen.

* * *

 

There weren’t any other guests. Leia had invited them because they had plans to help with the jedi academy and their duties with the new Republic system. Luke, Leia and Yurgen talked during the whole dinner. Ben sat in the opposite side of the table, facing Rey. But they didn’t talk to each other. Maliria was at his side. She tried to engage some conversation but he answered with monosyllables and a few words. Rey didn’t eat. And that was ridiculous. A life of starvation on Jakku had taught her about food and how precious and important was to be fed. Now she couldn’t eat because her appetite was gone after the fight. She couldn’t even look at Maliria. She had beautiful hair, an expressive smile and beautiful eyes. She was Ben’s age, they talked about things they knew since childhood. In addition, Rey couldn't eat because she didn’t know how to use the cutlery. She raised her eyes to Ben and he was looking at her. Not with the mesmerized gaze, but his eyes had softened a bit. She looked back to her dish.

 

* * *

When they were all sleeping and the silence was the last lord up in the house, Rey made her way to the kitchen. She was already changed in her night clothes. Actually, it was a blue nightdress ending in the middle of her thighs. She would never wear something like it before Ben. She had chosen it to go to his bedroom in the night, but she gave up on it after their argument. She couldn’t face him yet. Instead, she went to the kitchen to eat. She found some bread, some cheese and Corellian whine. She was hungry and no wonder she was eating like a salvage. She thought about it and started to cry. She would never be worthy him. He thought he didn’t’ deserve her because of his past. But she doesn’t’ belong to his world. She knew it since the beginning of it. She was blocking their bond all day and now she misses him. She stops eating and goes back to her room.

She has her teeth brushed in the refresher and when she got back to the bed, he was already in her bed. Ben Solo was wearing only his underwear. She didn’t want to admit how much she wanted to kiss him. “Your mother said that you could sleep in your own bedroom. And I’m sure she gave you some clothes.”

“You told me you were going to my room. I waited. You didn’t show up…”

“And you couldn’t wait. Perhaps I don’t want to be with you tonight. I can sleep alone.” She said fiercely. She was thinking of Maliria again.

“Okay. I’m leaving.” He stood up from her bed getting closer to her. “If you change your mind, love, I’ll be waiting for you.” He kissed her forehead and left her bedroom.

After ten minutes, she left her bedroom to go after him.

* * *

 

She opened the door to find him sitting at the table with his head in his hands. “I thought you wouldn’t come.” He said raising up and looking at her.

“I changed my mind.” She admitted and she finally opened the bond to him.

He smiled. “I missed you, girl.”

“Don’t call me that. I don’t like it.” She was thinking about Maliria again. “I know you’re older than me and that we can’t talk about a lot of things that we have in common, but I’m not stupid. I’m not a girl anymore.” She decided to go on. “And I didn’t like _her_ touching you. I didn’t like _you_ touching her…”. She started sobbing. “Yes. I’m jealous. She’s pretty, intelligent, and she doesn’t have a sad story behind her. She was touching you, Ben. _You’re mine_.” She was really crying and she hated the whole situation.

Ben was startled for the declaration. “Yes, I’m yours. You don’t have to be afraid of her, sweetheart. I love you. She’s pretty, intelligent, no hurting past. So, she isn’t you. I love you, Rey. And you’re the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met, _girl_.”

She smiled to the _girl_ this time. “About the Kylo Ren thing…I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t like being scolded. I won’t bring it up again. And you can reprimand me when you think I’m not right. If I want you to listen to me, I have to listen to you too. About your friend…Don’t touch her again.” She concluded.

“I wasn’t touching her. She did it and I was trying to get away from her. She doesn’t know that I love you…well, now she does. After what you did, taking my hand and pulling me along the room…”

“It’s better like this.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry for what I said. I’m following you wherever you go. Dark or Light. I’ll always be there for you.” He promised.

She threw herself in his arms and he raised her making her enlace her legs around his waist. He kissed her while going to the bed. He lowered her in his bed. A bed. Their first time in a real bed.

* * *

 

He put her in the bed and crawled over her. “I don’t deserve you.”

Rey narrowed her eyes waiting for his explanation. She sat up against the pillows while he explained.

“After everything I’ve done. The monster I’ve been for almost ten years…how can you love me like this? You’re even afraid of losing me. I’m not worthy your love, Rey.”

She crossed her legs and he did the same in front of her. She took his hands on hers and looked into his big dark eyes feeling his sore mood through their connection. “Loneliness. Do I have to explain how I felt on Jakku when I was left behind? I’ve always wanted a friend to talk. I met BB-8, Finn, Poe, your parents, Chewie, you uncle. I didn’t have a purpose and then The Force awakened in me. And Maz Kanata deciphered my soul before myself. She told me I couldn’t go back to Jakku and wait for someone who was never coming back to me. I had to go forward. The belonging I was looking for was you, Ben. I could feel it, through the Force. I found you even before you realized who I was. During the interrogation, I wasn’t afraid of you. I hated you because I was afraid of how equals we were.”

“I remember. I felt your loneliness. So afraid…I felt it too. I’ve always felt this way.” He whispered.”

“You felt as lonely  as me. Thirsty for touching someone. I didn’t understand why you offered to teach me. Now I see. You couldn’t kill me because you were tired of being alone. You killed your own master because you couldn’t kill me. Then…You touched me. I felt loved. Not like my friends’ love, but I’ve found my missing part. You’re my best friend, the one with whom I share the Force, my profession, my mind, my soul and body. In the whole galaxy, you’re the only one who completes me. Yes, Ben Solo. You deserve all the love that I’m able to give.”

There were tears rolling from their eyes. Ben kissed her passionately for long minutes and they ended laid in the bed again. Rey broke the kiss searching for some oxygen, but Ben took her lips with his again. Their tongues dancing in a steady rhythm and Ben grinding against her body made her think about the jedi mantra “There’s no passion. There’s only peace.” Oh, No. Force! There was peace in the passion. Especially in that unconditional way. She grabbed his shoulders and switched their positions. She straddled him and broke the kiss to take out her nightdress.

“You were beautiful on it.” He said about her clothing. “And you were wonderful earlier.”

“So, you liked me in that dress? I thought appearances didn’t matter to you. That I was always beautiful.” She said sarcastically.

“I’m not finished with my compliment. You were beautiful tonight. But seeing you like that made me want to take out your dress because I think you’re prettier like this. Naked. To me.”

She laughed at that. She kissed him again. Ben started kissing her neck  and  her collarbone and her breasts while his hands worked on what was left of their underwear. She guided his member inside her and he grasped her waist waiting for her. She adjusted herself and started moving in a regular rhythm. Up and down. Forward. Backward. They were both panting. His hands were touching her smoothly making each inch of skin burn. She closed her eyes and felt him raising to sit meeting her body in a sensual embrace. He rolled them, inversing their position.

“Hey, this is not fair, Ben!” She exclaimed making him laugh.

“You’re always the bossy one, Rey! You’re always over me.” He leaned down and kissed her.

“You’re right. But it was my lead to follow.” She said smiling.

Ben went serious and kissed her again. “I love you”.

“I know.”


	3. Out of reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia talks to Rey. Our Jedi girl has to make a decision. A tough one. Ben is hurting, but he cannot be angry with Rey for more than some hours.

Ben couldn’t believe this was his life right now. He didn’t look like a new person, but a person he knew before the dark. He was thinking about that young Ben Solo…willing to help his uncle with the Jedi Academy and to be loved by his parents.  Ben thought he had to control the dark energy that flood strongly in his veins to be worthy the Skywalker heritage. He used to laugh and befriend with the other padawans. But at night, the voice and all the nightmares would make him doubt on himself… _So dark. So weak._ The voice haunted him since he was ten. Always levitating things when happy, nervous, sad…Ben didn’t know how to live under control all the time. And then, the accident with his best friend when he was twenty made all worse. They were training and Ben was upset about Luke scolding him every time he dared to strike harder against Tam. _Easy Ben, control yourself. Seek for the light and let the Force flood through you._ Ben lost the round. And when he tried to explain to his master why he had lost, Luke didn’t approve.

“Master, I can do better than this, but keeping my powers under control I’ll never improve. I think we could search for other options…”

“Ben, you know how the darkness is strong with you. The light has to improve and to obtain that power you have to suppress the dark. We’ve already talked about this.” Luke said.

“My whole life I’ve been suppressing my powers. It didn’t get better. I can’t find the balance.” He retorted upset.

“You’re young, Ben. Patience.”

Tam laughed at that. “Come on, Benny. You’re just upset because you’ve been defeated by me. Just admit it.”

Well, Ben got angry and turned to look at his friends. His eyes became dark. “You’ll never talk to me again like this.”

Tam gasped looking for air and put his hands on his throat. He fell to the ground.

Luke ran to his apprentice. “Ben, let him go. You’re killing him. Let him go!” He screamed to his nephew.

Ben blinked and it was like he had recovered his consciousness. He felt weak. Tam could breath again. But Ben…he fell to the ground and threw out his breakfast. “I’m sorry, Tam”. He was crying.

“That’s okay, Ben. I believe you.”

But Luke…he didn’t anymore. Ben lost all the responsibilities he had at the academy and when he was twenty-three years old, he found out about Darth Vader. Then, he let Snoke in. He remembered the academy assault. He didn’t kill anyone, but he let them in. His new master had told him they were going to take him and leave. So naïve, Ben Solo. The darkness made him feel all his powers. He felt free for the first time and he welcomed Kylo Ren. However, that faked liberty came with a price. To be free of the pain, he had to kill his father. The connection with his family had to be ended. He did it. But somehow, when his father touched his face before falling from the bridge, something changed and Kylo felt it. Ben was back. The pain was back.

* * *

 

Now, his powers were under control. He was trying to find balance. He was enjoying being Ben again. Especially, when he could wake up and look at Rey sleeping wrapped in his arms. Their legs were entangled and he let out a sigh straightening their embrace.  He couldn’t refrain a thought though. Luke wouldn’t be happy once he found out that they were in love. Actually, he would hate it. He would say that Ben was trying to do it again. Destroy his entire legacy but this time in a very different way.

Rey stirred in his arms and looked at him with sleepy eyes and a faint smile. His heart skipped a beat. “Good morning, Ben.”

“A very good morning indeed.” He said sitting up. “Are we ok? After our argument last night? Do you still want to talk about it?” He asked nervously.

“We are ok. I don’t want to talk about it again. You showed to me last night how you want me.” She took his face in her hands and kissed him deeply.

They were enjoying their make out section and the rhythm evolved quickly. Rey was straddling him and he was enjoying a lot her hands in his hair while his were touching her back, breasts…

 _Knock. Knock._ “Ben, are you there?” Leia’s voice asked.

Rey stopped kissing him and her eyes widened. “What do we do?” She whispered.

He put his index over his mouth asking her silence. “Yes, mom. I’m right here. Why? Something’s wrong? It’s a little bit early, isn’t?

“No, it’s okay. I was going to ask if you want to come with me for a walk. I’ll call Rey too. She would like to walk in the city while there’s not a lot of traffic.”

Rey was shocked. _Do something._

“Mom, I think you should go first. We can meet you after. I can call Rey and we go together. But don’t go to her room right now, she likes meditating when she wakes up.”

“Oh. Okay. I’ll be waiting for you in the garden in forty minutes.”

“Okay.” Ben looked at Rey and started to giggle. He couldn’t stop. “You can breathe, Rey. Almost catch by mom with a girl in my bedroom. A _forbidden girl_.”

Rey was laughing too. “We’ll have to be cautious. She’s not stupid.”

“I don’t have anything to hide.”

“Ben… let’s not get started with this again. We cannot disappoint them. We have to tell them smoothly. Now, where are my clothes?”

“I know where they are. But first we have to finish what we started before mom’s interruption.”

“Hahaha. It’s not funny. I’m not giving you _anything_ to have my clothes back.”

He looked at her and reached for her shoulders bringing her to a hot long kiss. “You know I can take whatever I want.” He said not breaking their contact.

“Yes. You can. And I know it.” She put her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear. “Give my clothes back and I’ll let you take whatever you want.”

Ben gave her the nightdress that were under his pillows. She took her clothes and threw them on the ground. “Now that _I_ have what I wanted, what do you want, love?”

Ben smiled at her seduction techniques to convince him of doing whatever she wants. “You.” He answered simply. “I’ll always want you.”

* * *

 

“I checked you room before his.” Leia said to Rey while Ben was looking at some new games in the market.

Rey gulped at that. “I didn’t answer? I think I was really deep during meditation.”

“He’s handsome, isn’t he? He’s tall, beautiful eyes. He’s gentle. Ben Solo. I don’t blame you. He’s his father’s son.”

“I didn’t want, Leia. But there’s something that pulls me to him. I can’t help it.” Rey confessed feeling guilty.

“It’s love. But love in our family is not a good thing if you don’t know how to love. And I still want to see you as a jedi master. Ben has a long way to do it before settling down. You cannot be known as his wife when you can have your own way. Don’t let love blind you. Love blinded Anakin, it blinded me. If I had let Han go even after I found out I was pregnant, everything would be different. Ben wouldn’t have witnessed our arguments about him. And Han would have always get back to us for love and not for duty. But I wanted him with us. He stayed. He wasn’t with us.” Leia confessed to Rey.

“I cannot leave him, Leia. It would break our hearts. It hurts when I dare to think about it. I…” Rey’s eyes watered. “I want to be with him. That’s all.”

“The galaxy needs you. Duty before yourself. We need the jedi order back. Ben needs himself right now. He needs to figure out his own way. He cannot say you saved him. He has to look for redemption himself. Who is he without you Rey? Is he Kylo Ren again? Is he Ben?” She took Rey’s hand. “Don’t get me wrong. I would love to be your mother-in-law.”

Rey felt dizzy. She felt sick for a second. Ben was back and he looked at them frowning. “Are you ok, Rey?”

“Yes. I just need to meditate and be alone for a while. I see you later.”  She let them in the street.

“Mom, did you say something to upset her in that way?”  Ben asked suspiciously.

“How do you know she’s upset?”

“We’re bonded. I can feel whatever she feels. And now she blocked the connection. She only does it when she’s upset with me. Or when she wants to hide from me.”

“I told her what she needed to listen to. But it wasn’t about you. It was about her. About who she was and who she can be. We need her, Ben.”

* * *

 

Ben left his mother to her political agenda at the Senate. Luke was with her. No training for today. He arrived home and went directly to Rey’s room. He knocked. “Rey, are you in there? Are you ok?”

Rey was not. She was crying. She didn’t want him to see her so weak. She couldn’t control her emotions. “Go away.”

“I’m not leaving until you open that door ant tell me what I did. Because I’m pretty sure I did nothing to be treated like this.

She stood up from her bed, opened the door to him and got back to her sheets again.

He looked at her with his arms crossed against his chest. “What’s going on? Are you upset with me? I thought we were all right this morning. I can’t keep trying to figure out how you feel about us. I know you don’t like talking, but blocking our bond every time is not the way to…”

“I love you.” She interrupted him crying hard. “But I think we should end this right now, Ben.”

“What? Stop it. You’re scaring me.”

“Listen to me. I… we have to do it now while we don’t mean that much to each other. Your mother is so confident about your trial. She told me that your chances of being free are good. What if they ask you to work with them and I have to be a jedi? I cannot be attached to someone involved with politics.

“ _While we don’t mean that much to each other_? What do I mean to you, Rey? Where am I exactly in your life?” He asked feeling hurt.

“I love you, Ben. But I cannot give up on everything I dreamed before you. It wouldn’t be fair with the scavenger I’ve been once, waiting for something to happen and change my life. And you have to find out who you are. Do you really want to be a jedi? Are you really ready to be with me to the rest of your life? Your world is so much  bigger than mine.” She really meant it. It wasn’t only Leia’s influence.

“So, I’m under your duty as a jedi. I never asked you to give up on it. But I remember I told you last night that I would follow you wherever you go.” He was almost whispering.

“You don’t have to follow me. I want you to find your way to yourself. I’m not your redemption, Ben. You have to find it by yourself.” The words were cutting down her heart. And his.

“So you’re saying that it doesn’t matter what the Supreme Court says… we are not being together.” Tears rolled from his eyes.

“Yes. Until you are totally free from you past and you have really settled down with your path, we cannot be together. I don’t want you to depend on me. I don’t want to be the bossy one. I don’t want you to be a puppet. Don’t let the Resistance do it to you either.”

“So…we’re done, aren’t we?” He asked surprised.  He gulped hard and said. “I’m sure you’re going to be a great knight, Master Rey. See you.” He left the room.

Rey couldn’t breathe. She went dizzy again and this time she threw out her breakfast.

* * *

 

By night, they had to dinner in family. Neither Ben nor Rey were eating.  Luke got worried about them. They had improved in their relationship and now…that awkward silence again. Leia was feeling guilty about the situation, but she knew she was right. For once, she knew it. Ben needed to know he could go forward on his own. So did Rey. But seeing them apart like this broke her heart.

“Ben, after dinner, can you help Rey reading? Your mother has such a great library she could read some old tales…”

Ben interrupted his uncle. “I think she can do it on her own. She’s able to read alone.”

Rey looked at him angrily. After all, she didn’t need to beg for anything. “He’s right. I can do It on my own.”

Luke frowned to the dark atmosphere in the room. He glanced at Leia. “I don’t think you can. Old tales mean ancients variations. You’ve never been introduced to them and I need you to learn it if you want to be a master. Ben, are you going to help her?”

“Yes.”

“Great.”

* * *

 

“I don’t understand that word right here. Actually I don’t like this holobook. _Snowhite and the seven ewookies_. It’s awful.” Rey told him returning the holobook to its shelf.

“I used to like it when I was a child.” Ben answered indifferently.

“I don’t want to fall asleep in Hoth and wait for a prince. I hate snow.”

“I know how you like to fall asleep. You don’t have to tell me. You like it _hot_.”

Rey felt something warm in her low belly. She knew this anticipation. She couldn’t be carried away. She blushed. “I think I’m going to bed now. Hum. Thank you.”

“Are you leaving? I hope your sheets are _hot_ enough to make you sleep. Good night.”

“Stop it.”

“Why? What did I say to upset you now?” he asked innocently.

“Good night, Ben.” She turned to leave him.

“Wait. May I kiss you goodnight?”  He asked uncertain.

“We shouldn’t. I’m not giving up on my decision. A kiss is not going to change it.” She said sounding confident.

“So…we can kiss.”

He kissed her ferociously. Wet. Hot. Desperate. She clung on him and he carried her to her bedroom.  

The _sheets_ were warm that night just as she liked. They didn’t know for how long but they were going to enjoy it as much as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: real plot and Ben's trial!


	4. Second chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone deserves a second chance. Rey has already found hers. The others depend on Ben's trial.

Ben was very confused after the long day they had had. Deep in his heart, he wanted Rey to give up on everything so they could be together, but this thought was so selfish that he would never ask her that. He knew since the beginning who she was. A lonely scavenger from Jakku who found a place in the whole galaxy. She found her place as a jedi and she would never betray or abandon them. Not even for the man she loved. Yet, he could feel her emotions so unbalanced nowadays. He was used to that Rey from the first months on Ach-To. Determined, decided. The one who had promised to love him despite any code from the Jedi Order. Last month however, she was behaving awkward, unpredictable in her actions. At the same time, she swore loving him and affirmed that they couldn’t be together. Who was that Rey?

Looking at her asleep delighted him. So calm. He took a lock of hair from her eyes and dared to think about a life without her, but his heart started to ache and his mind guided him to something he was trying to forget: the trial he was going to face in three days. The reality came to him in such a devastating revelation that he almost let his hold on Rey go. He could be sent to jail, he could be exiled, and he could even be executed, though the Resistance practices did not support it as a way to redemption or punishment. Suddenly, he realized  the life he was living with her was really a dream. After all he had done…how he could imagine a real simple life to him? Marrying and having a family? Kylo Ren? His eyes watered and his pain made his breath fault. The dark was whispering in his mind again… _you don’t deserve her. You’ll destroy her life._ He tried to empty his mind. As his breath steadied, Ben had an insight. As always, she was right. Then he made a promise to himself: he was going to tell her in the morning that he would leave her free from his burden.

But for this night…he would just hold her tight.

* * *

 

He woke up in the morning feeling sick. Rey wasn’t at his side and he noticed the refresher’s door closed. He blamed his mother’s food. Leia could be a wonderful politician, but she couldn’t cook. Just as it came, the nausea was gone. Rey left the refresher with her morning-tangled hair.

“Hello.” She said shyly.

“Hello.” Ben didn’t want to talk so early in the morning about them. “Can you get back to bed, please?”

“I think we shouldn’t encourage that, Ben.” She looked at him in a sour mood. “I don’t want to…”

“ _Please_.” He interrupted her. _Just this last time_ , he thought.

Rey felt her heart sink deep into her chest as she looked at his eyes. Those eyes that could simply devour every single inch of her soul. She returned to her spot on bed. He took her face in his hands and kissed her gently. Rey licked his lips asking for space inside him. As he parted his lips to let her in, she opened the bond completely to him. _I love you, Ben. So much._ Ben grunted in their kiss letting her take control. He was touching every single curve of hers, trying to memorize her body and make a living statue just for himself. Rey was kissing his neck, his chest with the same goal.

After accommodating him inside her, Rey grabbed on his shoulders while his hands trailed up and her thighs resting on her hips. She gazed at the stars shining bright in his dark eyes. Rey knew she would never love anyone in that way again. _Only you, Ben Solo_. He returned staring at her with those mesmerizing eyes. _Only you, Rey._ When they started moving slowly, making love to each other, taking and giving,  the future jedi could feel her body respond in unison to her mind and soul. That was special. Rey was sure no one in the galaxy had ever experienced something alike. They were bonded to each other forever. The rhythm increased and Ben left her lips to bring her closer and to look at her intently. She could feel all his love towards her. She looked back at him and she felt her legs tremble. “Yes. Yeah, Ben. Only you.”

“I know”. He was panting too. “I’m yours too.”

He reached for her hands, intertwining them on his own. He kissed her again just like the first time. Afraid of losing, of wanting, but loving her more than anything else in the whole galaxy. Her walls clenched around his hard member and Rey could feel him through their Force Bond climbing with her. They reached the climax together. She nestled herself against his chest and he entangled his arms around her. Before falling asleep Rey knew how to define what she felt when she was with him. _Bliss._

* * *

 

Leia was pacing in her library. She was afraid for Ben’s trial, which was going to take place in three days. Well, she was afraid for him and she was worried about the way he was going to react to his sentence. The Resistance made innumerous meetings trying to understand her position. She wanted him free. Ben Solo going to jail was unbearable and it meant Han’s sacrifice meant nothing. Counselors, senators, friends tried to understand how she could forgive her husband’s murderer, even he being her son. Ben was helping the Resistance with new data about the First Order’s moves and hidden bases. But they had a long way coming if he wanted be redeemed.

The destruction of the Hosnian System had almost destroyed her hopes concerning the New Republic. Again they couldn’t see it coming. Snoke threatened them all. Coming from no one knew, he built an empire and corrupted the Jedi Order one more time. Her family was responsible for all the destruction of democracy and all the old values. She couldn’t let the history repeat itself. Not when it was her fault. 

Anakin Skywalker had loved Padmé Amidala. He destroyed an entire order, betrayed his friends trying to save her. At the end, the power corrupted him. Not just the power to save his wife, but to rule the galaxy. He was corrupted by politics since he started befriending Palpatine at the Senate. She rejected this heritage, hiding it from everyone after Endor. She wanted to erase Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker memories. Therefore she forgot about Bail Organa’s first rule: _Being honest with the others is essential to be a good leader. Being honest with yourself is a prerogative to be a good leader. Never lie to yourself._

She did it. She told herself she could have a family, be a good leader and mother. She didn’t send her son to Luke when he asked for the first time because it frightened her the possibility of Ben looking like Vader. She never listened to Ben. He used to have nightmares and call for her, but she was very busy leading the galaxy. Leia Organa let herself be corrupted by power. After all, The New Republic, The Resistance, The Empire and First Order were all the same. Made by men. Even the Jedi Order wasn’t able to escape. Men are not white or black, blue or red. They’re both.

Her way with the politicians had changed. She told them her history and claimed for a different end. Anakin died for redemption and his memory was wiped from all the records to make a new, pure Republic. So hypocritical. _Pure_. _Free._ Kylo Ren shouldn’t die and be forgot. They should remember and rebuilt themselves from their ashes, not to put them in a box. Leia should remember and rebuild herself. Just as Ben. He deserved a second chance. He survived waiting for it.

She looked through the window. Coruscant declined in the last thirty years. The Old Republic’s capital had lost its title to other cities from the Hosnian System. Now, it was their capital again. Ruins from old temples. They all were going to be born again and she would work for it. All of them deserved a second chance.

“No, Han. I won’t let your death be in vain. After all, you’re the hero I’ve always wanted you to be. Thank you.”

* * *

 

Rey was hungry. Very hungry. Ben had already left for his bedroom to get prepared for the long day they were going to face. She took a shower and got dressed. She put tan leggings and a wonderful sleeveless magenta tunic. She loved colors. She was going to change the strict rule for colors in the Order. It was so boring. She put her hair in a tight braided ponytail and left. When she arrived in the living room, Luke was already there with Ben.

“Good morning, Rey.” Her master said smiling to her. “After breakfast we’re going to train. Meditation and new forms.”

“Good.”

The doorbell ringed and Ben opened the door. For his surprise, it wasn’t for his mother, but for Rey.

“Hi. Is Rey in there?” She looked at door and found Finn. She ran passing by Ben and threw herself in her friend’s arm.

“Finn! What are you doing here? I’m so happy for seeing you. Where’s Poe and BB-8? She let out not stopping to breathe.

“They’re seeing our new apartment. The General asked our services here at the capital. Apparently she wants her personal guarded by people she can trust.” Finn informed her.

“Oh. Please, come in, Finn!” She took his hand and guided him to the couch. “Tell me everything.”

The door closed and Finn turned his head to look at Ben, who seemed embarrassed and upset. Finn stood up and reached out a hand waiting awkwardly for Ben’s compliment. Finally Ben took it and they shook hands very briefly. “Good to see you in shape, Solo.”

“It’s good to see you around, Finn.” Ben said through his teeth. “Apparently, Rey missed you  a lot.”

“Yeah. I know she can’t barely breathe without me.” Finn retorted with the same violence.

Luke tried to dissipate the awkward atmosphere in the room. “Finn, do you eat with us?”

“No, I’m going to join Poe and BB-8. But later I would like to talk to you, Rey!” He hugged his friend who accompanied him to the door. Once Finn left, Luke went to the kitchen and Rey turned to Ben.

“What was that? Why did you treat him like this?”

“I think you forgot I’m never going to be his friend. I tried to kill him once. And you’re so happy for seeing him that you should go with them to see the new apartment.” He sat on the couch a bundle of uncontained anger.

Rey burst out laughing and kneeled in front of him, putting her hands on his knees. “Why are you so upset?”

“I’m jealous. He loves you, doesn’t he? You have a lot of friends and secret admirers. Rey, the savior and next big jedi. You have them all at you feet. Who am I in your life? Who will be with me once you leave and I’m doomed?” He looked past her, avoiding her hazel eyes.

“Ben, Finn loves me as a friend. You don’t have to be jealous…”

“Friend? Hahaha.” He laughed sarcastically which made Rey laugh even more.

“He loves Poe. And he’s happy because they’re moving together.”

Ben looked at her again suspiciously. “So…he doesn’t love you, does he?”

“No. And you know your place in my life. You know that being apart doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you. You’ll have your mother. And you two have to get to know each other.

He wanted to kiss her, but Luke called them to eat.

* * *

 

They trained to exhaustion. Rey was feeling particularly weary. She took a shower and decided to sleep. When she was at the refresher, she saw a box of tampons and realized her cycle was late this month. She cursed herself. She forgot to take her contraceptive. After her first time with Ben, she got a good stock with herself in the last travel to buy supplies to them. Suddenly, everything made sense. Her unbalanced emotions, her morning sickness. She started to cry. A baby. She didn’t want to be with Ben to let him free and to free herself, but now…Luke! He would hate it. She would lose her place at the Jedi Order and all she had built the last year. A girl with a baby. She felt so naïve and lost.

A baby with Ben. She touched her flat belly and smiled. A baby. She was going to be a mother. Someone to call her _mom_ , to whom she would devote her love forever. Someone she would belong with forever. Just like Ben. Actually, a part of Ben himself was with her now. She panicked about his reaction. What would he say? She thought better. She decided to wait for the trial. Depending on its result, she would tell him. And they would be together, because her _family_ was more important than anything else in the galaxy.

“I already love you, sweetheart. Mom loves you.” She smiled teeth and all, through her tears. _A family_. _Her family_.

Now, she could just hope for the best.

* * *

 

At night, they received Maliria and his father again. They talked about the reconstruction of the Jedi Academy at Coruscant and bringing the order next to the Republic again. Luke was a little reticent.

“I don’t think we should do it right now. I would like to stay at Ach-To and receive more force sensitives first. I want to set the new order rules with my padawans before devoting our services to the New Republic. But it would be great to back here.”

Maliria was looking at Ben during all night. But she looked for Rey after dinner. Rey was at the balcony looking at the city lights.

“You love him”. She affirmed.

“So do you.” Rey retorted not looking at her.

“Since childhood. When we were young and he came to visit his mother, I always found a way to see him.”

Rey still didn’t look at her.

“My father says he’s not going to jail. And he’s not going to be executed either. Ben’s sentence is worse though. He’s going to be banished from the Jedi Order for five years. He cannot be a jedi.”

Rey swallowed hard. “How can I believe you?”

“You’d rather do it. Are you going to risk his freedom? My father is a high-respected counselor. He and Leia worked hard for Ben. Don’t ruin it.”

Rey dared to look at her. She hated Maliria. “What exactly do you want from me?”

“I’m afraid Ben is not reacting in a very positive way when he takes the news. He may want to run away with you, and it would ruin any other chance with the New Republic. Do as you should do. Convince him you have to be apart. Don’t let him fall again.” She said seriously.

“I would never put his freedom in danger. Now, if you excuse me.” Rey left and went to her room. Passing by Ben who was watching her carefully.

She threw out her dinner. She hated the girl, but she was afraid of Maliria. She knew her father had a lot influence near the Senate. She couldn’t bear the idea of Ben followed by a bounty hunter.

She tried to sleep and when she was almost there, she knew what to do. And she would do it in the morning.

* * *

 

“Tomorrow is a very important day in your life, Ben. Remember: Freedom is more about how you feel inside and not about what laws may say. Free yourself and behave for your redemption.” Luke told him. “We will support you as the family we should have been before. Your redemption is everyone’s cause. It’s our second chance too.”

“Thank you, uncle.” Ben nodded. “It means a lot to me.”

Rey arrived at their training space in the garden. “Master. Ben. I have to talk to you.”

Both men turned to her waiting. She inhaled hard, closed her eyes and opened them. “I think we should work in a way to break the Force Bond that I share with Ben.”

Ben widened his eyes and answered on instinct. “Why? Is it bothering you now?”

“Wait, Ben. Let her talk.”

“It was useful to bring you back you home. But I’ve never wanted you in my head. Since the beginning, I wanted to block you. Now, you’re home. Our connection is useless.”

Ben panicked. He tried to reach for her through their bond, but he found it blocked. “What? Useless? Don’t you remember Starkiller when you beat me just going inside my head and having access to my skills? This bond makes us stronger.”

“Exactly. I want to know who I am without you. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“I can’t believe you’re suggesting this.” He looked horrified.

“She has a point, Ben. She’s right. The Force Bond can trick both of you. You’re stronger together, but who are you separated? We just have to figure out how to break it.”

“I can’t believe it. Rey, may I talk to you, please?” She knew he would try to dissuade her from her decision.

“I’ve already decided. I don’t want your burden with me. And you should try to take it out from your shoulders too.”

Ben’s sight flashed red. He closed his eyes and breathed hard. When he looked at his uncle and lover, he was deeply hurt.

“We created the bond when we were inside each other’s mind and because we wanted to know each other deeply. If _we don’t want it anymore_ , I think the connection can be simply broken.”

“But how? I’ve never heard about that, Ben.” His uncle confessed.

“I think I know how. “ Rey informed and moved forward trying to get to Ben. “Just as it began. We try to enter each other’s mind and we resist. I think the pressure can damage it permanently or at least made our blocking walls stronger.” She touched his forehead. “Try it.”

He did. That’s what he wanted, wasn’t it? Make her free? He forced and she did it back. Pain made their eyes water and their bodies sweat. They were both panting and suddenly…they felt it. Their walls went down and the second after…they weren’t there to each other any longer. Rey felt empty as if she had a void inside her mind. She was lonely again. Just like before him. Ben went to his knees, feeling weak after this. It was like before. Before her. She left them crying.

“I’m sorry, Ben”. Luke whispered.

Ben left his tears wash his face. It wasn’t like before her. It felt worse, because now he knew what he had lost.

* * *

 

Rey was feeling weak in the next morning. Ben’s trial had begun, but the Court put her in a separate room as a witness for Han Solo’s death accusation. She hadn’t seen him since their connection end. She had spent the day in her room. Crying for her, for their baby and for Ben.

Finally, Finn was back in the room.

“They are calling you, Rey.”

She made her way into the room and took the seat pointed by the judge. “We all know you’ve been training with him and his uncle.” He said. “You might consider him as a friend, but here we are interested in his actions. That’s what we have to judge. Do you understand?”

Rey nodded once. Avoiding Ben’s eyes, she started talking.

“In the Starkiller Base, Han tried to convince his son to go back home. Kylo Ren was wearing his mask and had his saber in his belt. He was walking the bridge when Han called for his son by his birth’s name. he walked through the bridge to meet Kylo Ren. He asked Kylo to take out the mask, because he wanted to see the face of his son and not that character he made to himself. Ren hesitated, he told Han Ben Solo was dead, but he took out the mask. Han said Leia missed him and that they wanted him back. Kylo Ren said it was too late. He knew that after everything he had done it was impossible to find a way back. He told his father he was being torn apart and that he wanted to end with his pain, but he hadn’t the courage to do it. He wanted to commit fully to dark, but he had to kill his connection with his family. He asked for his father’s help. Han said: “Anything”. And then…Kylo Ren did it. He pierced Han’s chest with his saber. I felt his pain. And confusion. He should feel strong…but when Han touched his face with nothing but unconditional love…He hurt. It wasn’t his material life. Kylo had to stop loving Han. He couldn’t. There is his redemption.”

She raised her eyes and she could see Leia, Luke looking proudly at her and Ben…She felt as if she _mattered_ to him, even after their broken bond. She could see the light energy from him. She knew the dark wasn’t that dangerous anymore.

The judge required some attention after the commotion caused by Luke Skywalker’s apprentice. “This court will deliberate about Ben Solo’s war acts and the result will be determined tomorrow at that same hour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! :( But I promise they're hurting now to be happy later.


	5. Without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey talks to Finn and to her baby. Ben loses his temper, just to remember he can't be angry with Rey, so he's angry with himself. Luke shows he's not that stupid and Finn shows how understanding he is.

After the trial, Rey made up an excuse to escape the atmosphere at Leia's. First, she went to a pharmacy and asked for a pregnancy test. A droid guided her to a room and jabbed her middle finger with a thin needle. Her blood turned blue. Positive. Now, it was true. She was carrying Ben Solo’s child. Her child. She and Ben together, like a miracle. Even without the bond, Rey wasn’t feeling that alone anymore. She could feel through the Force that Ben was with her. So near. But Ben… he would feel alone. She felt guilty for not sharing this happiness with her lover.

  
Later, she entered a gallery looking for some baby clothes and pregnant articles. She bought some and passing by a vitrine, she saw a beautiful and singular necklace. A raw grey crystal pendent that could be associate to other two creating a beautiful triangle shape. She got three of them intending to give one for Ben later. She had told Finn to meet her by lunchtime, so they could talk more about him and Poe. Now, they were sitting at a table and asking for food. The restaurant wasn’t as sophisticate as Leia’s food, but for a scavenger and a stormtrooper, it was more than enough.

  
“So, Rey. What do you think about Ren’s trial? Do you think he’ll scape jail?” Finn asked worried.

  
Rey gave her friend a concerned look. “I know you want to see him in jail, Finn. But, he’s not Kylo Ren anymore. He has changed. Believe me.”

  
Finn looked at her suspiciously. “Do you have something to tell me, Rey? Because you wanted him to pay for his sins last time we met. How have you softened at him? I know you have that creepy connection, but…”

  
“It wasn’t creepy. I don’t share a bond with him anymore.” Her sore tone didn’t pass unnoticed to Finn. “And I’ve changed my mind during our trainings together.” She said clearly upset looking at her hands.

  
“You know that you always look at your hands when you’re lying? What are you keeping from me about you and him?” He reached for her chin bringing her eyes to look at him. He saw the same look he used to give to Poe when he thought they couldn’t be together. His eyes widened at what he had just found out “Oh. By the Maker! You love him!”

  
“Yes, I do. Please, don’t hate me, Finn!” She pleaded.

  
Finn was shocked. He blinked quickly and tried to breath. That man had tried to kill him. And now the fact that Rey was in love with him felt so wrong…But yet…He smiled weakly at her. “Well, you’re a good scavenger. You can choose from garbage things that are worth to save. If you chose him…I wish you luck.” He hardened his face and added, “But if he hurts you, I’ll kill him. Myself. I promise.”

  
She chuckled lowly. “I’m pregnant, Finn.” She was suddenly feeling so happy for sharing this secret. “You’re going to be an uncle.”

  
Finn gasped with his food. “Wha- an uncle? A baby? A jedi baby? Uncle Finn?” He raised from his chair and looking at her for a some minutes. Suddenly he burst out laughing and crying. He hugged his best friend, making Rey cry and laugh at his reaction. “I’m so happy, Rey. It’s like if I were the father. Are you ok? Are you happy? How did Ren take this?”

  
“He doesn’t know it. I’m waiting for the trial to see what happens.” Rey’s joy was melting away again.

  
“Oh. I see. So…depending on it, you’re telling him, isn’t? Do I have to keep it as a secret?” He frowned backing to his seat.

  
“Yes. You have to keep my secret. And help me to raise this child.”

  
His smiled widened then. “Uncle Finn will do everything to see his baby happy and safe.”

  
“Now, it’s enough with my complicated life. I want to hear from you. So, the General wants you and Poe here. Why exactly?”

  
“She intends to create a small group of entirely confidence. She doesn’t believe her political fellows. That guy, Mathew Yurgen is not exactly what we can call an ally. He wants to propose a sort of centralized government as a transition to total democracy. Leia, as always, wants democracy right now. But the Senate listens to him, because his argument is a plausible one. The First Order isn’t defeated yet. Snoke can be dead, and Kylo Ren too, as everyone believes, but General Hux is still out there planning and regrouping. We know he’s training stormtroopers one more time from the last reporting we got. She’ll ask for your help too. You and Luke are essential to this.”

“So, you don’t believe Mathew Yurgen?” Rey uttered. “I don’t like his daughter either.”

  
“No, that’s not the point. She believes he doesn’t want to be an Emperor or help the First Order. The general believes him. But she doesn’t like his position. They are always discussing about what to do and they never agree about anything. Not even about lunch.” Finn rolled his eyes.

  
“Are you and Poe enjoying Coruscant?” She was trying to alleviate the atmosphere.

  
“No. I hate it. All the girls look at him when we walk down streets, galleries…even at work. Poe Dameron. The Galaxy’s Most Beautiful Pilot.” He snorted clearly upset.

  
“I feel the same with Ben. He’s so much more than me. I’m always feeling he can choose someone better.” Rey confessed.

  
“What? It’s him who should feel like this about you. You’re Rey, the next Great Jedi Master. He was Kylo Ren. People don’t admire him. They are afraid of him. He’s disgusting.” Finn answered her. “But I understand what you mean. You’re afraid of losing him. It won’t happen. Even if you are apart, he’s yours. I felt it.”

She looked at him waiting for his explanation. He raised his right hand.

  
“The way he shook my hand. It was like he was trying to smash my fingers. He loves you, Rey.”

* * *

 

When she came back home, the apartment was immersed in a quiet mood. No one at the living room, which allowed Rey to go to her room without being disturbed. It was already night. She showered and put her nightgown. She didn’t want to disturb Ben. She knew he was at his room. Well she thought it would be the more logical. But without the Bond she couldn’t affirm that. She went to the library and took the book she was reading the other night with her lover. Snowhite and the seven Ewookies.

  
She put a hand over her belly. “I’m going to tell you a lot of stories. Some will be tales, others will be real, but all of them will inspire you with hope, my little one. Will you be a boy or a girl? I hope you’ll show yourself to me before you’re born. Are you going to have your father’s hair? Ears or eyes?"

  
She wished her baby didn’t have Ben’s eyes. Looking at them would make her pain more unbearable than now. She thought about Maliria and her threat. If it was true, Rey would leave without telling Ben about their baby. Otherwise, he would want to go after Rey and that would destroy his chances with the Resistance. But, any other result would make the apprentice reconsider her decision.

  
She started reading and stopped. “Force! I don’t know how to swim! Your father tried to teach me, but it always ended with him saving me. Never mind. We’re going to practice it together and you’ll be a greater swimmer. How am I going to call you? Han? Padmé? Kayla? Lucas? Anakin? Oh. Your father would love it.”

  
Rey realized that the baby she was carrying was Leia Organa’s grandchild. Anakin Skywalker’s greatgrandchild. Kylo Ren’s child. Ben Solo’s child. They all had powerful surnames. Rey had none. Her child would have none if she wasn’t going to tell Ben. She made a promise to herself: look for her origins. It was time to face the ghosts from her past. But, for a brief moment, she was happy they wouldn’t know about the baby and her pregnancy wasn’t going to be a show to the galaxy. She had another big problem though. Luke was going to know and she feared his reaction. He couldn’t contact Ben after the sentence, but he could expulse her from his order.

  
“Well. It’s not a problem. I can be another thing, but nobody will separate us, sunshine.”

  
She heard voices coming from the living room. She recognized Ben, Leia, Mathew Yurgen and his daughter. They said their farewells and left. Leia said goodnight to Ben and told him to try to sleep. He said he would try. She heard someone pacing at the corridor and the library’s door opened. He looked at her, blinking slowly.

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here.” He said coldly and turned to leave her.

  
“Stop right now, Ben Solo. What were you doing with her?” She knew she had no right to ask this, but she couldn’t help it.

  
He turned back, closing the door behind him. “You have no right asking me that. I’m free. You said you prefer to follow your own road, Rey. We’re not even bonded anymore. “ He was almost shouting at her, towering her. “Why are you still jealous of me? I don’t understand. I don’t know you anymore.” He was clearly hurting. She could tell for his face.

Her blood was boiling in her veins. “I’ve never made promises I couldn’t keep. I’ve promised I would love you, not that we were going to be together.” She leaned up her chin in a challenging position.

  
“Ha.” He snorted sarcastically. “You’ll be an excellent jedi.” He pointed his index finger to her.” Keep lying to yourself and it will work perfectly. You’re right. You’ve never promised we were going to be together. But you’re afraid of giving up on your path to assume that you’re in love with Kylo Ren. And you know, deep in your heart, that you wish so hard to send them all to hell and be with me. I don’t need the bond to know it. Not when you’re still jealous of me and Maliria.”

  
The mention of her name made Rey swallow hard trying to control her fury. “You didn’t answer me.” She tried to keep her calm, but failing spectacularly. “What were you doing with her? Was it a happy family dinner? “She took a step closer in her fury. “Has she invited you to her room to see some old souvenirs from your childhood?” She was shouting at his face.

  
“You said I was useless to you, making very clear that we don’t belong together.” Ben was breathless. His heart was pounding fast in his chest, hurting like hell. Last time he felt this was when he stabbed his saber on his father’s chest. “ I don’t care about what they’re going to decide tomorrow. I won’t be with you because I don’t want it anymore. You’re like them all.” He said that with such disgust, turning away from Rey and putting his hands on the shelves looking for support.

  
Rey couldn’t talk. Her body was trembling and she was crying like a child. She was in shock. The pain was unbearable. She wanted to explain everything. That she was confused at the beginning, but that when she found out about the baby, she believed they should be together as a family. But she couldn’t. She took a step closer to him, whispering, “Do you mean it? That you don’t want me anymore?”

  
Ben closed his eyes. He was angry with himself right now. He knew he didn’t mean that and that he loved her more than all the pain she was making him feel. He turned back to find her so next to him that he could feel her breath. His forehead touched hers. “No. I don’t. I want to be with you.” He gasped. “I’ll always want you, Rey. My mother invited me to have dinner with them and that’s all. I didn’t even talk to Maliria. I was thinking about what happened to us. It hurts so much.”

  
Rey touched his face and he leaned his head to enjoy their contact. “I have a gift to you.” She took one of the pendants from her neck. “It’s a crystal. At Jakku, a legend says that crystals are charged with the energy that is passed by their user. It gets charged with our feelings. And when another person wears it, she’ will be filled up with them. I’ve been wearing it all day. Thinking about how much I love you, Ben Solo.”

  
Ben put it around his neck. “Would you sleep with me tonight? I’m afraid of tomorrow and holding on to you always fills me up with courage to stand up and start again.”

  
Rey couldn’t deny it to him. “Yes. I can”

* * *

  
Ben knew something was very wrong when they were eating breakfast. It was as if the three people he called family knew something he didn’t. Leia was glancing between him and Rey, as if waiting for one of them explode the table. Rey had rimmed eyes. She cried all night. And Luke wouldn’t look at him.

  
“It’s not my funeral, you know. I’m not dead. Whatever they decide I’ll be alive.” Ben said upset, but respecting their reactions.

  
No one answered him.

* * *

  
“Please, all of you stand up.” The judge said. “This court decided to blame Ben Solo for his war crimes as described during our last audience. However, his help and apparently redemption have been very useful to the Resistance and thanks to them; the culprit is not going to jail. We understand that the right punition for Ben Solo’s crimes would be interdicting him from using his powers as a Force Sensitive for five years. The Jedi Order is not allowed to contact him in any way. If he tries to contact the order, it’ll be considered as betrayal and the culprit will be sentenced to death. During this five years, Ben Solo must stay under the Republic custody, working with his own mother, the General Leia Organa Solo, helping her to rebuild the Republic System.”

  
Ben was wrong. It was his funeral. He wasn’t allowed to be with everything that really mattered to him. Rey. He was a pawn just like she had told him before. They were testing him again to see if he could resist his own nature. Not using the Force. Ben could feel his heart beating fast and he dared to look at them again. His mother was relieved. His uncle was sad and Rey was almost…resigned. They _knew_ it. _She knew it_. A pawn. Everyone was deciding for him. Even her. If she knew it, why hadn’t she told him? What was she hiding from him? They were testing his loyalty one more time. But this time, Ben decided that confronting them wouldn’t work. He would play the game and wait for the turntables. She knew it. They knew it. For a reason that he would find out.

  
“His sentence starts from tomorrow following the Galactic Standard Calendar. Make your farewells today.”

  
The judge dismissed the small audience. Leia embraced her son. “I’m so glad you’ll be free, Ben!”

  
“I’m not free, mom. Now, I’m a prisoner in an open cell. That’s worse than prison.”

  
“Don’t say that, Ben.” His uncle retorted. “Remember what I told you. Freedom is about your mind. Don’t let them control you, but don’t lose your temper. And as the five years are over, you can back where you belong.” He hugged his nephew. “We will be gone by night. Talk to Rey. She’ll need it.”

  
Suddenly, Ben realized his uncle knew about him and Rey. He wasn’t that blind after all.

  
He tried to talk to her, but a fury of red hair blocked his vision. Maliria put her arms around his neck and held him tight. “I knew it. You’re free, Ben. I’m so happy!”

  
He smiled weakly at her and escaped her embrace, to shake hands with her father saying him the same words as his daughter.

  
Finally, he reached for Rey. “I want to talk you. But not here. Let’s go to the gardens.”. She followed him.

* * *

  
“First of all. She hugged me. I couldn’t react.” He justified himself about Maliria.

  
Rey just nodded. “Five years is a lot of time. She’ll always be here to you. I’ll be confined at Ach-To. She can touch you now and I can’t. _Don’t touch her_.” She said through her teeth. “Do you get it?”

  
“I do.” He brushed his lips over hers. “I love you, Rey.”

  
“I know. Tell me you’ll stay strong. Tell me you’ll come back to me, Ben”. Her tears were washing her cheeks.

  
“I’ll always come back to you, sweetheart.”

  
“I love you.”

  
“I know. Do you have other orders to me?

  
“Kiss me.”

  
He did. With all his heart and soul. A kiss that wouldn’t be enough for those two lonely hearts, but that would be a sweet souvenir during five difficult years.


	6. Farewells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to say goodbye, to make promises and to make new friends. Ok. Maybe friends is too much for now. Let's say allies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People, I don't if you're still there, but I had a tough month. Work and work. I don't like being adult. And let's be sincere. I'm not a good one. Always working under pression. Please, forgive me! :)

It would be their last night with him. Leia could see in her son’s eyes the suffering that he was feeling anticipating the distance. Five years apart from Luke, an uncle that Ben just started to learn how to love again. Five years apart from his lover. She glanced to the clock. It was a little too early to dinner.

“Ben, why don’t you go see your uncle in the gardens? I think he deserves a proper farewell.” She said touching his shoulder while he was sitting on the couch. “He will miss you terribly too.”

Ben was looking at his hands and suddenly raised his head. Leia noticed how hurt he was feeling. “How much did you know about the sentence?” his tone wasn’t angry, but _sore_.

“I knew they were going to take something really important to you. But I bet they were going to forbid you of talking to _me_. A way to test my loyalty to the cause.” She sighed. “But they were much more maleficent than that. The Jedi Order was clearly your first option. But now, they have both of us encaged. Under their eyes. Being tested. The sentence was not only to punish you, Ben. They’re punishing me.” Her eyes sparkled and a little smirk appeared at the corner of her lips. “But, we are smarter than them. The Solos know when to retreat and when to attack. Now, it’s time to retreat.” She took his hands and sat on the table center in front of Ben who was looking at her puzzled. “Now, go talk to your uncle. We will talk tomorrow after they’re gone.”

Ben stood up and did as she had asked.

 _Time to retreat, Han._ She thought to herself. _They will think I’m a sheep. They shall see. Let’s play that game one more time._

* * *

 

Luke was practicing some slow forms. When Ben arrived, he stopped and tried to smile to his nephew. They didn’t talk directly about his sentence. Actually the old Jedi Master gave his apprentice a lot of instructions to practice his force sensibility. When he finally talked about the sentence was to remember Ben about something he had already told the young man.

“Do you remember what I told you about freedom? It’s all about your mind. Free yourself, Ben. I know it’s going to be difficult, but don’t let your self-loathing and the dark things from your past make their way through your path. Don’t give them what they want. Play the game with their tactics. You know you’re strong enough to do it.”

“Mom just told me this.” Ben looked at some orchids remembering Rey was allergic to them. “I can’t be a sith. I can’t be a jedi either. Sometimes, I feel so _weak_. What am I supposed to do during five years? They won’t let me help mom because I’m force sensitive. They won’t let me be a jedi.  Do I have a place in this galaxy?” His eyes burned at the thought. He scoffed before continuing. “And I’m alone in my head for the first time in my life. She left me and it hurts like hell.”

Luke sat on the grass and Ben did the same. “She’s afraid too, Ben. Don’t forget that she’s just twenty. Dealing with love on this kind of situation is really tough.”

“I kno…”Ben gulped and became desperate after realizing what his uncle had said.

“What? I’m not that stupid after all. Your father used to look to your mother like you do to Rey. As she was your entire life.”

“I hope our relationship…”Ben stopped himself. “Please, go on with her training. She would hate me if you stopped it. And I can’t bear it.”

Luke smiled warmly before continuing. “I won’t do that to her. I know it wasn’t your fault. Attachments were discouraged to the first Jedi. Your grandparents suffered a lot with that, but it wasn’t their love that made Anakin become Vader. It was the way they did it. Always hiding, lying and fearing. It’s different for you two. Rey always wanted to belong to something. She found the Resistance, the Order. But it’s clear that she found it on you. You belong to each other. This hiatus will only show how strong your love can be.”

Ben frowned at that assertion. “She blocked the bond completely. How are we supposed to belong to each other? I can’t even feel her. Just her signature and that’s all. It should be unbreakable.”

“You should respect her for now and do some research about Force bonds. Try to understand it. You can’t contact us, but I want you to help your mother to rebuild our temple here in Coruscant. Search for old files, books. You won’t be a jedi for now, but you’ll be an ambassador of our history. I want you to discover more about your grandparents’ history. Your mother and I were very focused on rebuilding our own lives to look for our past. What we know is very superficial.”

“Leia Organa is not going to like that last part. She stills doesn’t talk to me about Vader.”

“He blew out her planet and froze your father in carbonate. You should understand it.”

The mention to Han made Ben’s heart skip a beat. “I killed my own father.”

Luke inhaled hard. To Ben’s surprise, his uncle laughed. “I’m remembering when you were a baby and everyone was trying to understand why you had such a dark hair. Your father was really disappointed you didn’t look exactly like him.”

Ben blushed embarrassed. “Uncle, please…”

“Your mother wouldn’t understand why you were so a quiet baby and I never got how you could be allergic to blue milk. Or how you could love to play with sand. Your mom was always crazy with you stealing cookies from the jar and your father always disappointed because you never wanted to play Dejarik with him. Do you see my point?”

“Yes. You’re trying to make my self-loathing worse by showing that you’ve always been present in my life while I’ve always felt invisible.”

“No. You were our biggest hope.” His eyes were filled with tears threating to fall down. “When you were born, your mother wanted you to be a politician. Your father wanted to find you the best ship in the galaxy, Chewie wanted you to have more hair and I wanted you to be a Jedi. But you insisted on being yourself, Ben. So different. We suffocated you with our hopes and never let you _be_. We were not afraid of your powers. We were afraid for you. We were so desperate to make it well that we finished for not listening to you. Why did you kill your father?”

Ben was crying  and his voice was harsh under his breath. “I wanted to belong to something. Make someone proud and be proud of myself. And I thought I was going to finish the open ways to the light that insisted to misguide my dark path. I wanted to kill him because I thought I would to forget about you all.”

“So…I’m sorry, Ben. For not going after you when you fell. I’m sorry for letting your mother alone. Can you forgive all of us for never coming for you?”

“You don’t think this is entirely my fault?”

“No. This is _first_ our fault. You came back home. You came back to us and I owe this to you.”

Ben couldn’t talk. He knew his choices were part of his own will. But listening so openly that he was still loved by his family made him think that _maybe_ his father had already forgiven him. “Yes. I’ve always forgiven you. So…what you and Rey will do?”

“Rebuilt the temple at Ach-To and look for new padawans. We’re going to look for her family as well.”

“She’ll love it. She’s going to be a wonderful master.”

* * *

 

Nobody was eating or talking. They were all seating and playing with the food. Rey looked at her plate and left the table without excusing herself. She ran to her refresher to throw up what she hadn’t eaten. She took a very long shower and prepared herself to go to bed. She couldn’t sleep thinking about tomorrow and its consequences. She would have to face her own choices. Not telling Ben about the baby, blocking the bond and leaving him be on himself.

She wanted him so badly tonight. She wanted to mark him as hers, make him remember her in such impossible way to forget. She wanted to memorize each part of his body and every single pace of their choreography when they were kissing. She sighed heavily trying to control her nerves. And she let her feet take her to his door. The house was already dark and she didn’t find anyone to block her from her purpose. She knocked at Ben’s door and it opened alone.

“Misuse of the Force. Your uncle would disapprove it.” She said closing the door behind her. When she turned, he was towering over her and covered her shoulders with his strong and calloused hands.

“I can’t risk unlearning such a simple trick.” He let his right hand slip to her low back and raised her chin up making her hazel eyes meet his dark ones. Rey got lost in his dark deep abysms and only his urgent pull made her back to reality with a small gasp when her hands found his bare chest.

Ben tilted his head and nipped at her neck. Rey wrapped her hands in his hair, closing the small gap left between them. She was holding her breath and only let it go when he nipped her earlobe. “Please… don’t risk unlearning that too.” She whispered making him stop with her earlobe and look at her again with his lips perilously close to hers.

“Well, I can’t promise you anything.” He said with a low voice and hungry eyes. “You’re leaving and I’ll be a free man with only one restriction: I’m not allowed to touch you, talk you or even look to you.” He kissed her, but when he tried to part her lips with his tongue. She pushed him to look into his eyes again.

“They are not interdicting you of being with me. They are interdicting you of being yourself. But, if you want to be free from…this…I’ll understand, Ben.” Rey felt her heart ache as if something was crushing it.

Ben raised one brow. “I think I don’t get it. Free from what? From what exactly are you freeing me?”

“From us.” Her voice was small and she could feel the tears threatening to fall. “I’m saying you don’t have to be…loyal to me. You can make your own choices, Ben. And…I’ll have to unders…”

Ben had heard enough. He kissed her interrupting her profane thoughts from corrupting something as sacred as the love he felt for her. He parted her lips, not asking for entrance as usual, but almost invading her. He tightened their embrace and when she gasped for air, he gave her no time to think while she encouraged her to straddle his hip. He took her to his bed and crawling over her. “The other day I told you I was yours. I meant it. If you think that I’m considering having another woman the same way I _love_ you…you’re so wrong, Rey.”

Rey took a black lock of hair putting it behind his ear. “I want you to finally have the opportunity to know who you really want to be, Ben. It would be unbearable to me if you felt incomplete for not having me with you. I…”

“Shhh… Not having your physical presence or you in my head will be a difficult task. But not loving you is an impossible road to take. I’m another man that is not the young Ben Solo or a redeemed Kylo Ren. You’re right. I’ll finally have time to build my own self. But, I’ve already started doing that. The day I realized I loved you was the first dawn this new man emerged. The new Ben Solo is a man whose heart is already taken. I will love you, only you. Now, can we drop this and make our last night memorable? That’s all we’ll have for five years. Our memories.”

“Ok, then. I’ll make it amazing.”

Ben smiled and started to kiss her softly and to touch her in such a slow way that made Rey warm and wet. He started to wiggle against her while deepening the kiss. She answered stirring against him and opening more her legs to accommodate him in the best way she could. Ben stopped kissing her and kneeled before her taking her hands and making her sit. He took the hem of her nightgown reveling her breasts. She laid on her back again and closed her eyes when Ben’s fingers curled under the waistband of her panties. He took it out slowly and after he parted her legs. And started kissing her lips, neck, each one of her breasts, making her skin burn with each one of his soft kisses.

When he arrived to her low belly, Rey gasped remembering their baby and warm tears went down her flushed cheeks. He stopped himself and looked at her worried. “Are you ok?”

“Yes. I’m just…Ben…I love you so much. Please don’t doubt this.”

“I won’t.” And then, he was kissing her down there making her forget her pain for a while and focusing on the pleasure that was his tongue around her pink clit. She could feel her inner walls contracting at his stimulating movements. Rey ensnared her right hand in his hair encouraging him to go on and the other was holding tight the sheets.

“ _Oh. Oh, Ben. More_. I need…” She was panting and gasping incoherently in her desire. He was relentless and speeded up his movements until he felt the muscles of her low belly contracting. He licked all of her essence and she gasped his name when she came.

Ben waited for her breath to calm down a little before he positioned his cock at her wet entry. Rey caught her breath back. “Wait,  it’s your turn.”

He groaned imagining it, but had to decline. “Let’s wait for the second round. I won’t last if you do it right now and I need to be inside of you. Can I?” He was asking for her permission as always. Rey grinned satisfied with herself for making him so undone for her.  

“Yes. Please. Make me _yours_ as I know you’re _mine._ ”

“Mmmm. So possessive. Yes. You’re mine just as I’m yours.” And he moved forward stretching her walls and laying over her, resting on his elbows. She was gorgeous. Her cheeks flushing a dark pink contrasting with her freckles. And her eyes. Those _eyes._

“Rey, I love you.”And he hated how his voice cracked. He started moving in and out her and Rey held on his arms before she started to move with him. It was as if they were a unique body moving in unison. It seemed to last forever. She didn’t want it to end and Ben was making it so slowly as if he wanted to memorize each single move.

He made her peek twice. And when he did it, Rey knew that it would be the last she would feel complete. For a long time.

* * *

 

Tomorrow arrived as always, careless about their misery. Ben said his last goodbye to Rey in the bedroom. They kissed for a long while.

“You’ll be a wonderful master. I hope you and Uncle Luke will be able to rebuild the order. That’s his biggest dream after all. He wanted to do it with me, but I screwed up all his hopes.” He put his forehead against hers.

“You will work to rebuild it too. I believe in you about that.”

“Oh. Thanks. But…”

“But I _want_ to believe you’ll not hate me or forget everything we lived.”

“Believe me. I promise. I can’t hate you, Rey. And forget? How can I do it?”

“I don’t know. That _woman_ is alw...”

“I don’t even look at her, _girl_.”

She slapped his shoulder. “You know I don’t like when you call me like that.”

He smirked and pulled her to him, putting his hands around her waist. “I know you like it, _girl._ ”

* * *

 

At the hangar, Leia said her goodbyes to her brother and his apprentice.

“Don’t disappear. Do you copy that?

“Copy, General.” Luke told her. “Take care and maintain us informed about everything. We are part of the Republic system too.”

“I’ll do it. And Rey.” She pulled the girl and hugged her tightly. “He’ll miss you terribly and so am I. Be strong.”

Before entering the Millenium Falcon, Rey turned back to Leia. “Leia, May the Force be with you.”

Leia smiled and accepted it with a slight nod. “May the Force be with us, Rey.”

* * *

 

Ben spent the rest of the morning in the bedroom. But his mother knocking at the door made him wake up a little of his lethargy. “It’s open, mom.”

She came in and sat on the edge of his bed. “Son, it’s time for lunch and we have some visits. We need to talk.”

“Can I have at least one single day to mourn my loss?”. Ben hadn’t even sat to talk.

“No. We have work to do.” She patted his knees.

“Are they your counselor friend and his daughter? Rey doesn’t like her.” Ben let out forgetting he had never told her mother about him and Rey and how strange that sentence would sound to his mother.

Leia giggled. “No. It’s not them. Actually, Rey would love if you came to have lunch with us.”

That finally made Ben get up. When they arrived at the dining room, Ben reconsidered coming back to his room as his stomach revolted in shock.

The BB-8 unit was rolling and beeping so happily that it echoed down the hall. But when he saw Kylo Ren’s silhouette, he recoiled to stay beside one of the two men standing at the table. _Finn._ And the other was… Rey had told him his name. And Ben knew he had tortured this man. He felt his throat dry.

“So. Here we are. If you have any differences, make it clear now and then we can move forward to the second part of this war.” Leia’s voice was harsh.

“I don’t have any problem, General.” Poe’s soft voice made Finn and Ben look incredulous at the pilot. “If you say we can believe your son that’s exactly what I’ll do. But if _he_ has anything to say to us he can do it now.”

Ben understood. It was his fault after all. His time to beg for pardon. Something Poe Dameron had ever done, even when he was being tortured. “I apologize for torturing you and almost killing you, Finn. And I understand if you think that’s unforgivable, but now I’m a different man.”

“Are you?” Poe was abandoning his condescending posture. “Finn didn’t wake up for three weeks. Do you have any idea of what that can mean? And then, after some months you’re back to the Resistance. I don’t know how to believe you or if I want to.”

“Poe.” Finn seemed upset as he talked. “We talked about that. Second chances  are given to people and we have to believe him. Rey does it, the General also does. Even Luke Skywalker gave him a second chance.” Finn looked at Ben. “Well, _Ben._ We accept your apologies and we’ll try to believe you’re really changed.”

“Great.” Leia exclaimed.  “Let’s eat and talk.”

After they were all accommodated and eating, Leia restarted. “So, Poe, what are the news from your last mission?”

“As you asked, Mam, we moved according to the plan and the other upper echelon members were not informed about that. We have the prisoner being watched in a common apartment in our building.”

Ben was confused. “Mother, what does it mean? You’re not working with the Resistance anymore?”

“Yes. We are. I’m just avoiding some people I don’t believe. I think they’re trying to take advantage and put me out of the process. I lost once, It’s not going to happen again. They’re planning, Ben. I don’t know who is it and what. But I know they want power to themselves. That’s why I need you three. We’re going to work together.”

“We found out after some interrogations with prisoners from the First Order that they were passing some data for the Resistance but we never had access to that. We could have avoided losing people and other catastrophes we have knew those data. Someone from her is trying to destroy the Resistance.” Poe completed worried.

“Who’s the prisoner?” Ben asked.

“Armitage Hux. And he says he’s only going to talk to you.” Finn completed.

Ben closed his eyes. _Hold on, Ben._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for my English. It's not my first language and I don't have a beta reader. So patience with me and if you don't understand it, tell me! Kudos and comments mean love. And Reylo is all about love.


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